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Nadine Mather and Chloë Loubser
Married 9-5: Rethinking your relationships
6 Mar 2017
Relationship expert and author of Embracing Conflict, Paula Quinsee is currently acting as a coach to the couples featured on the localised TV show, Married at First Sight South Africa.
“My role on MAFSSA is to support the couples as they transition through the different phases of their relationship and help them to navigate the challenges they will be facing as a new couple and newly weds," she explains. "Many couples get stuck in the typical relationship cycle that all couples go through and, if not managed, the situation can spiral into a toxic cycle and eventually end the relationship. Elements I work with are communication issues, emotional triggers and understanding each other's needs in order to help them find a way forward."
We interviewed Quinsee to find out why she believes in embracing conflict enough to write a book about it, and how to change your mindset about such a sensitive subject, to some, particularly from a business perspective.
Comment on your journey as a relationship expert.My journey into coaching started with my own personal journey where I was in a six-and-a half-year relationship that had hit rock bottom and we were in therapy. It was our therapist who referred us to Imago Relationship Therapy, which we explored and it had such a profound impact on me and where I was at in my life. It helped me understand a lot about myself, my relationship patterns and my own behaviour which then prompted me to be trained as an Imago Relationship Therapy educator and facilitator. Since then it’s been a continuous journey of learning and developing myself to not only become a better person but also to help my clients to the best of my ability.
What are some of the most interesting lessons you've learnt about relationships in the corporate world?Having worked at organisations such as Standard Bank, Nedbank and KFC for over 16 years, it was here that I was exposed to different leadership and management styles and environments where employees thrived, and where they didn’t, and what this did to the organisation and everyone in it. Many organisations forget that their employees are human beings and have lives because they are so focused on the numbers and the targets. But if your employees aren’t happy, don’t enjoy coming to work and feel like their contribution is not being valued, they will eventually stop giving their best and start looking for other options. If an organisation has a high staff turnover in a department, then the management style or a particular individual is disrupting the team dynamics. If an organisation has a high staff turnover as a whole, then the corporate culture and leadership needs to be assessed.
Why are good, functional relationships important?Our entire world revolves around relationships from the minute we are conceived to the day we die. Relationships give us our biggest growth edge based on what we’re putting out there and what we’re attracting back into our lives, so we constantly need to be aware of where we are at in our heads (our thoughts, attitude) and where we are at in our bodies (our emotional triggers and drivers). When we are in a good space and have a healthy connection in our relationships, we feel good about ourselves, are more flexible, can adapt to change better, communicate better, and are willing to find solutions that benefit everyone. When we have a disconnect in our relationship, a power struggle begins playing out with each person trying to get their needs met and this can lead to toxic behaviour and ultimately the breakdown of the relationship.
What are some of the basic tools and skills you teach individuals and companies to improve their relationships?The key tools I use when I work with individuals and organisations consists of understanding what a healthy relationship looks like, self-awareness levels, emotional intelligence insights, communication and listening skills, relationship dynamics, emotional triggers and drivers, conflict management tools, leadership and mentorship traits, problem solving and goal-setting behaviours to mention a few.
How are/do work relationships similar to/differ from personal relationships? Are the basic principles the same?The foundation for our emotional intelligence is formed in our childhood – this is where we are taught to communicate, manage conflict, express ourselves, be vulnerable, trust and show affection, which is reinforced throughout our development years into adulthood.
Comment on your journey as a relationship expert.My journey into coaching started with my own personal journey where I was in a six-and-a half-year relationship that had hit rock bottom and we were in therapy. It was our therapist who referred us to Imago Relationship Therapy, which we explored and it had such a profound impact on me and where I was at in my life. It helped me understand a lot about myself, my relationship patterns and my own behaviour which then prompted me to be trained as an Imago Relationship Therapy educator and facilitator. Since then it’s been a continuous journey of learning and developing myself to not only become a better person but also to help my clients to the best of my ability.
What are some of the most interesting lessons you've learnt about relationships in the corporate world?Having worked at organisations such as Standard Bank, Nedbank and KFC for over 16 years, it was here that I was exposed to different leadership and management styles and environments where employees thrived, and where they didn’t, and what this did to the organisation and everyone in it. Many organisations forget that their employees are human beings and have lives because they are so focused on the numbers and the targets. But if your employees aren’t happy, don’t enjoy coming to work and feel like their contribution is not being valued, they will eventually stop giving their best and start looking for other options. If an organisation has a high staff turnover in a department, then the management style or a particular individual is disrupting the team dynamics. If an organisation has a high staff turnover as a whole, then the corporate culture and leadership needs to be assessed.
Why are good, functional relationships important?Our entire world revolves around relationships from the minute we are conceived to the day we die. Relationships give us our biggest growth edge based on what we’re putting out there and what we’re attracting back into our lives, so we constantly need to be aware of where we are at in our heads (our thoughts, attitude) and where we are at in our bodies (our emotional triggers and drivers). When we are in a good space and have a healthy connection in our relationships, we feel good about ourselves, are more flexible, can adapt to change better, communicate better, and are willing to find solutions that benefit everyone. When we have a disconnect in our relationship, a power struggle begins playing out with each person trying to get their needs met and this can lead to toxic behaviour and ultimately the breakdown of the relationship.
What are some of the basic tools and skills you teach individuals and companies to improve their relationships?The key tools I use when I work with individuals and organisations consists of understanding what a healthy relationship looks like, self-awareness levels, emotional intelligence insights, communication and listening skills, relationship dynamics, emotional triggers and drivers, conflict management tools, leadership and mentorship traits, problem solving and goal-setting behaviours to mention a few.
How are/do work relationships similar to/differ from personal relationships? Are the basic principles the same?The foundation for our emotional intelligence is formed in our childhood – this is where we are taught to communicate, manage conflict, express ourselves, be vulnerable, trust and show affection, which is reinforced throughout our development years into adulthood.
What are some of the most interesting lessons you've learnt about relationships in the corporate world?Having worked at organisations such as Standard Bank, Nedbank and KFC for over 16 years, it was here that I was exposed to different leadership and management styles and environments where employees thrived, and where they didn’t, and what this did to the organisation and everyone in it. Many organisations forget that their employees are human beings and have lives because they are so focused on the numbers and the targets. But if your employees aren’t happy, don’t enjoy coming to work and feel like their contribution is not being valued, they will eventually stop giving their best and start looking for other options. If an organisation has a high staff turnover in a department, then the management style or a particular individual is disrupting the team dynamics. If an organisation has a high staff turnover as a whole, then the corporate culture and leadership needs to be assessed.
Why are good, functional relationships important?Our entire world revolves around relationships from the minute we are conceived to the day we die. Relationships give us our biggest growth edge based on what we’re putting out there and what we’re attracting back into our lives, so we constantly need to be aware of where we are at in our heads (our thoughts, attitude) and where we are at in our bodies (our emotional triggers and drivers). When we are in a good space and have a healthy connection in our relationships, we feel good about ourselves, are more flexible, can adapt to change better, communicate better, and are willing to find solutions that benefit everyone. When we have a disconnect in our relationship, a power struggle begins playing out with each person trying to get their needs met and this can lead to toxic behaviour and ultimately the breakdown of the relationship.
What are some of the basic tools and skills you teach individuals and companies to improve their relationships?The key tools I use when I work with individuals and organisations consists of understanding what a healthy relationship looks like, self-awareness levels, emotional intelligence insights, communication and listening skills, relationship dynamics, emotional triggers and drivers, conflict management tools, leadership and mentorship traits, problem solving and goal-setting behaviours to mention a few.
How are/do work relationships similar to/differ from personal relationships? Are the basic principles the same?The foundation for our emotional intelligence is formed in our childhood – this is where we are taught to communicate, manage conflict, express ourselves, be vulnerable, trust and show affection, which is reinforced throughout our development years into adulthood.
Why are good, functional relationships important?Our entire world revolves around relationships from the minute we are conceived to the day we die. Relationships give us our biggest growth edge based on what we’re putting out there and what we’re attracting back into our lives, so we constantly need to be aware of where we are at in our heads (our thoughts, attitude) and where we are at in our bodies (our emotional triggers and drivers). When we are in a good space and have a healthy connection in our relationships, we feel good about ourselves, are more flexible, can adapt to change better, communicate better, and are willing to find solutions that benefit everyone. When we have a disconnect in our relationship, a power struggle begins playing out with each person trying to get their needs met and this can lead to toxic behaviour and ultimately the breakdown of the relationship.
What are some of the basic tools and skills you teach individuals and companies to improve their relationships?The key tools I use when I work with individuals and organisations consists of understanding what a healthy relationship looks like, self-awareness levels, emotional intelligence insights, communication and listening skills, relationship dynamics, emotional triggers and drivers, conflict management tools, leadership and mentorship traits, problem solving and goal-setting behaviours to mention a few.
How are/do work relationships similar to/differ from personal relationships? Are the basic principles the same?The foundation for our emotional intelligence is formed in our childhood – this is where we are taught to communicate, manage conflict, express ourselves, be vulnerable, trust and show affection, which is reinforced throughout our development years into adulthood.
What are some of the basic tools and skills you teach individuals and companies to improve their relationships?The key tools I use when I work with individuals and organisations consists of understanding what a healthy relationship looks like, self-awareness levels, emotional intelligence insights, communication and listening skills, relationship dynamics, emotional triggers and drivers, conflict management tools, leadership and mentorship traits, problem solving and goal-setting behaviours to mention a few.
How are/do work relationships similar to/differ from personal relationships? Are the basic principles the same?The foundation for our emotional intelligence is formed in our childhood – this is where we are taught to communicate, manage conflict, express ourselves, be vulnerable, trust and show affection, which is reinforced throughout our development years into adulthood.
How are/do work relationships similar to/differ from personal relationships? Are the basic principles the same?The foundation for our emotional intelligence is formed in our childhood – this is where we are taught to communicate, manage conflict, express ourselves, be vulnerable, trust and show affection, which is reinforced throughout our development years into adulthood.
Corporate relationships are very similar to our personal relationships. Just as children mimic their parents’ behaviour, so too do employees mimic the leadership behaviour in the organisation. Parents set the tone by which the family functions and thrives whilst leaders set the tone for the corporate culture, values, vision and mission. So yes, the basic principles are the same, the key difference being that our personal relationships are more emotionally charged as they are driven by romantic love, whilst in the workplace we are driven by the love we feel for the organisation we work for, our fellow colleagues and being valued for the contribution we’re making (e.g. rewards and recognition).
Briefly tell us about your book, Embracing Conflict. Why do you believe you should embrace conflict? What are some of the most common conflicts you've come across?Conflict is growth trying to happen, yet we resist it because it feels uncomfortable and emotionally vulnerable, so we avoid it. If we’re able to take the emotion out of the situation and look at the feedback we’re getting, we can learn so much from it and use these insights to grow and develop ourselves to ultimately become a better person, partner and leader. It may be a quick read but the real depth lies in working through the exercises at the end of each chapter, as that is where the real growth lies. 90% of problems in relationships (personal and work) are due to the lack of communication – what is not being said or what is not being heard. Often this is because we’re afraid to be honest with what we’re thinking, feeling, needing or wanting and because we listen to respond.
Do work relationships affect personal relationships (and vice versa), and if so, how?Whether we like it or not, we take home to work and work to home, there is no separating the two, they are very much integrated and impact our performance in both areas of our lives. If we’re having a tough time at home (e.g. going through a divorce), we will not be able to focus and give of our best, and if we’re under pressure at work, it will affect our family and loved ones. We will also use similar behaviours in both areas of our lives (e.g. conflict management). If we avoid conflict in our personal lives, we will probably do the same in our work relationships.
What will you be sharing at the SACAP Festival of Learning and the 10th Annual ACFE African Fraud Conference?As a speaker and presenter, my key focus is helping individuals and organisations understand that money doesn’t make the world go round, relationships do. What we bring into our relational space (i.e. the space between you and the other person) determines the health and the quality of the relationships in our lives and the life we will lead. Understand how we co-create that by what we bring into the space (i.e. our baggage, past experiences, emotional triggers, etc.) and the impact this is having on others, as well as how you are allowing others to impact and influence you.
Comment on your involvement in the TV show, Married at First Sight SA.My role is to support the couples through their relationship journey and help them to navigate the different challenges they’re going to encounter along the way. Because they haven’t followed the traditional script of meeting each other, getting to know each other, dating and then taking that next step to marriage, they will need to learn these things fairly early in their relationship, as well as navigate being married at the same time. This can be hugely daunting and overwhelming as there is also a sense of awkwardness between them having only met at the altar. In saying that, arranged marriages are not uncommon, they still happen in the Indian and some black and Jewish cultures, whilst in the Western world they happened decades ago when kings would strategically marry their sons/daughters to protect and grow their kingdom.
How do business partnerships compare to marriage?Marriage is a partnership just like a business partnership. In both instances there is a mutual interest to achieve a mutual, beneficial outcome for all parties concerned. It is important when entering a partnership (business or marriage) that there are very clear boundaries as to what is expected from each person, what the relationship deal breakers are and the vision everyone is working towards. Look to instill values that everyone operates by, such as treating each other with respect, being honest about what’s working and what’s not working, manage conflict in a mature manner and find solutions and outcomes that are a win-win for all involved, remembering that communication is key every day in everything you do.
One sentence of advice.Find the balance – if you don’t make time for your relationship, over time you won’t have a relationship.
Briefly tell us about your book, Embracing Conflict. Why do you believe you should embrace conflict? What are some of the most common conflicts you've come across?Conflict is growth trying to happen, yet we resist it because it feels uncomfortable and emotionally vulnerable, so we avoid it. If we’re able to take the emotion out of the situation and look at the feedback we’re getting, we can learn so much from it and use these insights to grow and develop ourselves to ultimately become a better person, partner and leader. It may be a quick read but the real depth lies in working through the exercises at the end of each chapter, as that is where the real growth lies. 90% of problems in relationships (personal and work) are due to the lack of communication – what is not being said or what is not being heard. Often this is because we’re afraid to be honest with what we’re thinking, feeling, needing or wanting and because we listen to respond.
Do work relationships affect personal relationships (and vice versa), and if so, how?Whether we like it or not, we take home to work and work to home, there is no separating the two, they are very much integrated and impact our performance in both areas of our lives. If we’re having a tough time at home (e.g. going through a divorce), we will not be able to focus and give of our best, and if we’re under pressure at work, it will affect our family and loved ones. We will also use similar behaviours in both areas of our lives (e.g. conflict management). If we avoid conflict in our personal lives, we will probably do the same in our work relationships.
What will you be sharing at the SACAP Festival of Learning and the 10th Annual ACFE African Fraud Conference?As a speaker and presenter, my key focus is helping individuals and organisations understand that money doesn’t make the world go round, relationships do. What we bring into our relational space (i.e. the space between you and the other person) determines the health and the quality of the relationships in our lives and the life we will lead. Understand how we co-create that by what we bring into the space (i.e. our baggage, past experiences, emotional triggers, etc.) and the impact this is having on others, as well as how you are allowing others to impact and influence you.
Comment on your involvement in the TV show, Married at First Sight SA.My role is to support the couples through their relationship journey and help them to navigate the different challenges they’re going to encounter along the way. Because they haven’t followed the traditional script of meeting each other, getting to know each other, dating and then taking that next step to marriage, they will need to learn these things fairly early in their relationship, as well as navigate being married at the same time. This can be hugely daunting and overwhelming as there is also a sense of awkwardness between them having only met at the altar. In saying that, arranged marriages are not uncommon, they still happen in the Indian and some black and Jewish cultures, whilst in the Western world they happened decades ago when kings would strategically marry their sons/daughters to protect and grow their kingdom.
How do business partnerships compare to marriage?Marriage is a partnership just like a business partnership. In both instances there is a mutual interest to achieve a mutual, beneficial outcome for all parties concerned. It is important when entering a partnership (business or marriage) that there are very clear boundaries as to what is expected from each person, what the relationship deal breakers are and the vision everyone is working towards. Look to instill values that everyone operates by, such as treating each other with respect, being honest about what’s working and what’s not working, manage conflict in a mature manner and find solutions and outcomes that are a win-win for all involved, remembering that communication is key every day in everything you do.
One sentence of advice.Find the balance – if you don’t make time for your relationship, over time you won’t have a relationship.
Do work relationships affect personal relationships (and vice versa), and if so, how?Whether we like it or not, we take home to work and work to home, there is no separating the two, they are very much integrated and impact our performance in both areas of our lives. If we’re having a tough time at home (e.g. going through a divorce), we will not be able to focus and give of our best, and if we’re under pressure at work, it will affect our family and loved ones. We will also use similar behaviours in both areas of our lives (e.g. conflict management). If we avoid conflict in our personal lives, we will probably do the same in our work relationships.
What will you be sharing at the SACAP Festival of Learning and the 10th Annual ACFE African Fraud Conference?As a speaker and presenter, my key focus is helping individuals and organisations understand that money doesn’t make the world go round, relationships do. What we bring into our relational space (i.e. the space between you and the other person) determines the health and the quality of the relationships in our lives and the life we will lead. Understand how we co-create that by what we bring into the space (i.e. our baggage, past experiences, emotional triggers, etc.) and the impact this is having on others, as well as how you are allowing others to impact and influence you.
Comment on your involvement in the TV show, Married at First Sight SA.My role is to support the couples through their relationship journey and help them to navigate the different challenges they’re going to encounter along the way. Because they haven’t followed the traditional script of meeting each other, getting to know each other, dating and then taking that next step to marriage, they will need to learn these things fairly early in their relationship, as well as navigate being married at the same time. This can be hugely daunting and overwhelming as there is also a sense of awkwardness between them having only met at the altar. In saying that, arranged marriages are not uncommon, they still happen in the Indian and some black and Jewish cultures, whilst in the Western world they happened decades ago when kings would strategically marry their sons/daughters to protect and grow their kingdom.
How do business partnerships compare to marriage?Marriage is a partnership just like a business partnership. In both instances there is a mutual interest to achieve a mutual, beneficial outcome for all parties concerned. It is important when entering a partnership (business or marriage) that there are very clear boundaries as to what is expected from each person, what the relationship deal breakers are and the vision everyone is working towards. Look to instill values that everyone operates by, such as treating each other with respect, being honest about what’s working and what’s not working, manage conflict in a mature manner and find solutions and outcomes that are a win-win for all involved, remembering that communication is key every day in everything you do.
One sentence of advice.Find the balance – if you don’t make time for your relationship, over time you won’t have a relationship.
What will you be sharing at the SACAP Festival of Learning and the 10th Annual ACFE African Fraud Conference?As a speaker and presenter, my key focus is helping individuals and organisations understand that money doesn’t make the world go round, relationships do. What we bring into our relational space (i.e. the space between you and the other person) determines the health and the quality of the relationships in our lives and the life we will lead. Understand how we co-create that by what we bring into the space (i.e. our baggage, past experiences, emotional triggers, etc.) and the impact this is having on others, as well as how you are allowing others to impact and influence you.
Comment on your involvement in the TV show, Married at First Sight SA.My role is to support the couples through their relationship journey and help them to navigate the different challenges they’re going to encounter along the way. Because they haven’t followed the traditional script of meeting each other, getting to know each other, dating and then taking that next step to marriage, they will need to learn these things fairly early in their relationship, as well as navigate being married at the same time. This can be hugely daunting and overwhelming as there is also a sense of awkwardness between them having only met at the altar. In saying that, arranged marriages are not uncommon, they still happen in the Indian and some black and Jewish cultures, whilst in the Western world they happened decades ago when kings would strategically marry their sons/daughters to protect and grow their kingdom.
How do business partnerships compare to marriage?Marriage is a partnership just like a business partnership. In both instances there is a mutual interest to achieve a mutual, beneficial outcome for all parties concerned. It is important when entering a partnership (business or marriage) that there are very clear boundaries as to what is expected from each person, what the relationship deal breakers are and the vision everyone is working towards. Look to instill values that everyone operates by, such as treating each other with respect, being honest about what’s working and what’s not working, manage conflict in a mature manner and find solutions and outcomes that are a win-win for all involved, remembering that communication is key every day in everything you do.
One sentence of advice.Find the balance – if you don’t make time for your relationship, over time you won’t have a relationship.
Comment on your involvement in the TV show, Married at First Sight SA.My role is to support the couples through their relationship journey and help them to navigate the different challenges they’re going to encounter along the way. Because they haven’t followed the traditional script of meeting each other, getting to know each other, dating and then taking that next step to marriage, they will need to learn these things fairly early in their relationship, as well as navigate being married at the same time. This can be hugely daunting and overwhelming as there is also a sense of awkwardness between them having only met at the altar. In saying that, arranged marriages are not uncommon, they still happen in the Indian and some black and Jewish cultures, whilst in the Western world they happened decades ago when kings would strategically marry their sons/daughters to protect and grow their kingdom.
How do business partnerships compare to marriage?Marriage is a partnership just like a business partnership. In both instances there is a mutual interest to achieve a mutual, beneficial outcome for all parties concerned. It is important when entering a partnership (business or marriage) that there are very clear boundaries as to what is expected from each person, what the relationship deal breakers are and the vision everyone is working towards. Look to instill values that everyone operates by, such as treating each other with respect, being honest about what’s working and what’s not working, manage conflict in a mature manner and find solutions and outcomes that are a win-win for all involved, remembering that communication is key every day in everything you do.
One sentence of advice.Find the balance – if you don’t make time for your relationship, over time you won’t have a relationship.
How do business partnerships compare to marriage?Marriage is a partnership just like a business partnership. In both instances there is a mutual interest to achieve a mutual, beneficial outcome for all parties concerned. It is important when entering a partnership (business or marriage) that there are very clear boundaries as to what is expected from each person, what the relationship deal breakers are and the vision everyone is working towards. Look to instill values that everyone operates by, such as treating each other with respect, being honest about what’s working and what’s not working, manage conflict in a mature manner and find solutions and outcomes that are a win-win for all involved, remembering that communication is key every day in everything you do.
One sentence of advice.Find the balance – if you don’t make time for your relationship, over time you won’t have a relationship.
One sentence of advice.Find the balance – if you don’t make time for your relationship, over time you won’t have a relationship.
<Married at First Sight SA premiered on DStv's Lifetime (131) on Friday, 3 February.
To find out more about Quinsee, visit PaulaQuinsee.com.
About Jessica Tennant
Jess is Senior Editor: Marketing & Media at Bizcommunity.com. She is also a contributing writer. moc.ytinummoczib@swengnitekram
