Five things to watch out for on Twitter

Let me assure you that a) and b) should not concern you much [note to self: p'raps I'll write a column on that next time].

But c) certainly should.

Here are five twariables to avoid (and to stop buying into if you're guilty...):

1. #Twysteria

   AKA, the mass bandwagoning that happens when there's a cause, a catastrophe, a calamity or an urban legend, and millions of people - many of whom can't spell, don't own passports and regularly watch the Kardashians - feel obliged not only to read about it but also to give their opinion. To have their voices heard. At length. Repeatedly. Incoherently. And with considerable spittle and venom.

2. #Twanity

   AKA, the use of Twitter to compulsively share your gym achievements, your bubbling champagne flute, your newest 'Loubis' [Louboutins; I am, literally, gagging as I type this], your crack-of-dawn check-in for parts luxurious, your latest award [please allow others to tweet these details for you; otherwise it's just cringeworthy], or what you have eaten - kilojoule for kilojoule - this week.

3. #Twales of woe

   AKA, the chronic and endless sharing of insights into how sad, depressed, lonely, poor, professionally unsatisfied, bored and/or bitter you are. Yes, Twitter's a superb source of support and kindness. Use it as a sounding board when you need to. But if your last 1 000 tweets are 80:20 in favour of moans, whinges, self-pitying parables and vitriolic rants about how much you hate your job and your colleagues, you're not doing yourself (or your brand) any favours.

4. #Twitchery

   AKA, the cliquey bitchiness and vengeful circling of the wagons that happens when someone pisses off someone else on Twitter, and the latter's mates launch into aggressive retaliation. Now, very often this is warranted, and one of the great things about Twitter is the prevailing sense of community, but woe betide you if you're the sad, sorry, doomed beastie around whom the wagons circle.

5. #Twattery

   AKA, the rampant misuse of Twitter to try to sell stuff. It's not a flea market. It's not an open mic night for products and services. It's a soapbox where people share opinions, thoughts and ideas. So, if you can't seem to stop yourself tweeting only hard-sell babble, complete with links to your ecommerce site, your weight-loss solution, your financial services company or your ebook, you're simply not using Twitter to its best advantage. Oh, and people probably don't like you

Tweet on, pals. - @tiffanymarkman