Johncom staff in a tizz over new owners

The level of "new-owner" stress within the organisation has reached epidemic proportions.

It is hardly surprising that management and editorial staff at Johncom are feeling anything from uncomfortable to insecure and downright paranoid because for years now they have had to contend with all sorts of career-inhibiting rumours about new owners.

Moolmanisation

For years Johncom water dispenser meetings were abuzz with rumours that the company was going to be taken over by Caxton and many a head of hair was turned grey at the prospect of the Moolmanisation of Johncom.

Then, no sooner had this threat disappeared than an even greater threat arrived in the form of Koni Media Holdings which made headlines on the front page of this week's Sunday Times.

Apparently it is a company owned by one of Thabo Mbeki's advisors, Titus Mafolo; Foreign Affairs spokesman, Ronnie Mamoepa; the former chief of state protocol, Billy Modise and advertising highflyer Groovin Nchabeleng.

They appear intent, the Sunday Times claims, on taking over 100% of Johncom which seems a little odd right now because only a few days ago Mvelaphanda Holdings bought 30% of the company and I would doubt if they are prepared to give it all away so soon.

Now apparently, Koni Media don't have any money, let alone anything like the R7 billion needed to buy Johncom but this has not allayed any nervous twitching within Johncom because apparently Koni is going to ask all sorts of institutions, from the Public Investment Corporation to a string of merchant banks, to lend it the money.

Best BEE creds

Now, frankly I'm not sure that getting over this R7 billion hurdle is anything like a doddle, even if one is an advisor to a president. Especially one who might well not be a president for much longer. Nor is it a doddle to get this kind of cash even if you have the best BEE credentials in the business.

Frankly, there's as much chance of a couple of hundred other consortia getting their hands on this sort of funding as Koni Media has.

But, it really pains me to see so many of my friends and former colleagues at Sunday Times, Business Day and the FM having to live under such a stressful cloud of uncertainty and career-inhibiting insecurity.

I will do it

So, as a gesture of goodwill I intend to put an end to their misery and takeover Johncom myself.

Well, not the whole lot, I'd be happy to leave Mvela with its 30%; after all, there's no need to be greedy and they're a jolly bunch of chaps, I'm told.

I am quite sure that if I chat to a few of my black media colleagues they'd be happy to be part of my consortium and I am equally in no doubt at all that when I visit the PIC or just pop into my local Standard Bank branch it would quite happily write me a cheque for R7 billion – gee, I might even get prime less 2%, who knows?

So, fear not, friends. Your jobs are safe. You'll all get extra special Christmas bonuses this year, except for a few sub-editors who played merry hell with my columns and one or two others who can consider themselves fired.

Editorial integrity and independence will be sacrosanct.

Good enough

I can't see that my takeover will be a problem. Ok, Maybe I am not an advisor to Thabo Mbeki but I know somebody who is. And in South Africa today, that's plenty good enough.

Now, on the remote possibility that for some reason or other my bid is unsuccessful or that I decide just to not bother and keep on fishing and lazing about in the sun, stand by next week for more potential Johncom takeovers.

I am told on good authority that the Kempton Park SPCA will be putting in a bid, as will the Noordwes Graan Aflewerers en Media Moguls Konsortium. Then in a few weeks a consortium consisting of the Beijing Bugle, PSL and Saru.

For more:

• Sunday Times: Mbeki men in R7bn bid to own Sunday Times
  
• The Times: Keep your hands off our newspapers!
  
• IOL: Mbeki unaware of media bid: Ratshitanga
  
• Mail & Guardian Online: Company denies govt involvement in Johncom bid
  
• Business Day: Questions over ‘PIC role' in Johncom deal
  
• IOL: Mbeki supporters bid for newspaper
  
• IOL: Johncom bid could backfire - analyst