Corporate events from hell

That's the marketing rationale behind any corporate cocktail party, awards function, launch or relationship-building event. The idea is to get everyone talking to each other.

Different sense of purpose

But, some of the cretins behind these shindigs seem to have a very different sense of purpose. Because, as soon as the speeches are done or the awards handed out and guests are able to talk to each other, they bring out the band or crank up piped music to a decibel level that would fell a hard of hearing bull elephant five blocks away.

Normal conversation is almost impossible, unless you put your mouth up against the ear of the person next to you and bellow at about the same level army instructors use on raw recruits who persist in calling them boet.

Loud live band

I was at a major marketing awards function put on, believe it or not, by one the country's major marketers a few years ago and the live band that was supposed to serenely serenade guests as they sipped their pre-lunch cocktails and chatted was so deafening that anyone wanting to hold any vestige of conversation had to cram themselves into the furthermost reaches of the venue and communicate using a sort of sign language with their swizzle sticks.

It was a laugh a minute with masses of open space all over the place and everyone crammed into a corner like a rugby scrum.

Embarrassing

It happens at nine out of 10 events I attend. I come away with an aching jaw and a decidedly irritable disposition. On a particularly blustery day at some or other event recently, I thought someone was asking me about the weather so I answered, "Fine but a little windy." She'd actually said, "How are you?" but the damn band drowned it out. She hasn't said a word to me since.

One only has to spend a minute or two talking to specialists in the field of musical motivation and they will tell you that music can be a magnificent marketing tool. Trouble is, it is also deadly dangerous in unskilled hands. Background is fine. In your face is futile.

Basically, one has a single simple choice in terms of organising a corporate function. Either it's networking or it's entertainment.

Big business functions are supposed to be marvelous marketing opportunities. They're also pretty expensive. And the return on investment dissipates into nothing when misguided maniacs turn music into weapons of mass distraction.