7 simple laws to using "Zoom" calls

And so, because I am an active and responsible citizen, I thought that it could be a grand idea to assist with some of the drafting.

Government Gazette concerning Zoom type calls

1. For the purpose of this document, “Zoom” call shall mean any on-line, virtual call, not limited to the Zoom technology but might include Teams, Google, Crowdcast or any such environment that allows users to view each other whilst having a conversation. It does, however, specifically exclude Skype, there is no person or persons who still engages on the said platform.

2. Zoom calls shall be limited to users below the age of 60. Should a person(s) over the age wish to operate a Zoom call, they will need to have at least one person below the age of 40, but not younger than 10 available to operate the mute or unmute button.

   They will need to have full control of “Leave Meeting” which control needs to be demonstrated at the outset of each individual call.

   Should over 60-year-old user prove that they are able to use both the mute button as well as the “Leave Meeting” unaided for three(3) consecutive Zoom calls, written authorisation of competence can be provided to allow free usage of the platform.

   Said authorisation is renewable every two weeks, but can be revoked at any time in the event of the user forwarding a fake news WhatsApp message.

3. Mandatory Mute. The use of the Mute button is critical to any call. Participants who are not actively engaged in speaking are obliged to mute their sound. Any pause longer than 4 seconds will be deemed to be not speaking. There can be no exception to this rule and failure to comply will result in a temporary ban in utilizing the platform.

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   Under no circumstance will angry spouses, crying children or the sound of “hadedas” in the background be acceptable unless the noise is heard from the speaker’s microphone. “Oh, sorry I thought I was on mute” will not be accepted as justification.

4. Cameras should be turned off unless the host request the camera to be turned on. Even then a good rule of thumb is to turn the camera off unless you are engaged in speaking. Because the technology is designed to focus on the person making a sound, this further underscores the importance of the mute button.

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   Please remember that your sneeze might be adorable in the first 15 minutes in a blossoming relationship, the attractiveness is unlikely to endure longer than that, and almost never for anyone who does not want to spend the rest of their lives with you.

5. No visible nostrils. Cameras need to be placed where participants have a view of either the front or the side of a person on the screen.

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   Ceiling and nostril views are hereby deemed repulsive and strictly prohibited from the platform. If a participant is too unaware to notice that their nose hairs are on view to anyone in the world, they should not be operating this powerful machine.

6. The ANC, given the repeated porn bombing of their meetings will wait for physical meetings before convening again. Their license is hereby revoked.

7. On exiting the meeting, participants are requested (but not obliged), to say one goodbye.

   A singular farewell will be deemed to apply and to registered by all participants. Studies have shown that saying goodbye five times does not increase the confidence that the participant is leaving the meeting.

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   In fact, the opposite is true, and it has been found in copious and sound research that in reality, it serves to undermine the very notion of leaving. Brexit for Zoom is the saying of goodbye repeatedly, but never actually leaving the meeting.

I am hopeful that the above will be seriously considered before parliament and that ahead of allowing open toe shoes and sandals, these simple and effective suggestions will be passed into law.