Everyone must get b*tches...

On 10 April 2013, Jordan Koen uploaded the 'We Are One Festival Joburg 2013' video to Youtube - by yesterday at about 3pm it was at 301 views. Now, barely 24 hours later, the number stands at 44,124.

The clips' description includes the following blurb, "On Saturday April 6th 2013, Joburg's Emmarentia Dam played host to an awesome display of colour and unity; one that aimed to help transcend all boundaries of race or culture. Judging by the colourful crowd the Another-Day team encountered there, we think they managed to pull it off". This sounds fun and innocuous enough; YouTube is in fact filled with party footage similar to this. However, Koen's five-minute documentary is a poignantly pungent display of the Rainbow Nation's privileged youth.

click to enlarge

Colourful displays and an overdose of celebration

Based on the Hindu Holi festival (which marks the arrival of Spring and commemorates a variety of Hindu events), the main ingredients were colourful displays and an overdose of celebration. This setting is no doubt a filmmaker's dream - an explosion of colour, movement and happiness. Many have criticised the 'bastardisation of Hindu traditions' for profit's sake (tickets ranged from R190-R260 ensuring access for only the elite slice of society's youth to enjoy the festivities). Forgive me - I'd like to look past this touchy subject at what the video reveals.

The clip starts somewhat slowly, with stills and text set to a traditional Indian soundtrack. At the 39 seconds, the barrage begins suddenly. A green specimen (we'll call him 'B*tches' states), "It's f**king...to get super colourful and get b*tches and get drunk". After this classy scene is set; fasten your seatbelts because it's going to be a bumpy drunken ride.

Despite the standard drunken rants, at around 1:20, a subject (we'll call him 'Yellow') reveals himself to be the main voice of reason in this potjiekos of chaos - (he has since become a Facebook Inspirational Card meme as "Yellow Hand Print Guy - The voice of common sense that is not so common these days. Respect".

'Yellow' smartly, honestly and ironically declares, "I think beyond the really f**king terrible music and the imploit [sic] and exploitation of someone else's sacred festival, I get to get drunk with my friends for a massive fee" - he single-handedly summarises the clip.

A pink girl happily declares, "We're just living our lives, YOLO". Oh and 'YOLO' refers to 'You Only Live Once', fair enough, the exuberance of youth, we'll go with it. Enter the gem, at 1:48, a green machine of drunkedness (we'll call him 'Slur') who states, "Two weeks ago I went to the proper Indian Holi One and I must say today, for me, personally, way better, way better".

"The goddess Eevee"

Text then scrolls across the screen, "Do these guys even follow the 'goddess' Eevee" [sic]; followed by the various responses to that. The kids can be forgiven for not knowing the answer to this question, but most of them seem blissfully marinated in drunken ignorance. Enter Yellow Hand Print man again, who laughingly asks, "Who's Eevee?" while aiming to take a sip of his magic juice bucket - once again, his honesty makes him a champion.

"The Holi festival symbolises lots of alcohol and fun," says a girl while her boyfriend listens to her sage answer; she corrects herself and continues, "And religious...colour!" He then retorts, "That's like an afterthought, you can't say that," while she laughs it off innocently enough.

A young girl states, "I used four grand of my mother's money to come here." You go girl!

Next up is 'B*tches' again with another sage 'b*tches' observation: "I've found plenty b*iches. There's super hot b*tches, but they all look the same, because they all colourful." Next up is 'Slur' again, I hope I don't turn Indian."

Everything wrong about the world

And back to 'B*tches', "Everything wrong about the world is perfectly and succinctly and sophisticatedly expressed here today." Witness the awesomeness of muscly pair Tweedledum and Tweedledummer (who incidentally "looks a lot like Zees, are you familiar with Zees?")

Three Amigettes next up declare the festival to be the coolest thing to ever have come to Joburg, "including L'il Wayne and Lady Gaga and everyone..." - eat your heart out, Wayne and Gaga!

'Yellow' observes, "None of this has anything to do with enlightenment. In fact all this really is, is a bunch of privileged white kids with the shoes and nice clothes walking around pretending that we know anything about any other culture; but we're doing it together and we look muddy."

The saga is concluded by 'B*tches', "No. It's about everyone. Everyone must get b*tches, not just me". At this cue, a vamp kisses and our green hero shouts, "I found a b*tch people! Woo!"

The video ends with, "We <3 you Jo'burg" - indeed we do, all of you, even the 'B*tches'...

Oh and Youtube count: 46,362 (that's 2238 views in an hour; not bad going; expect the autotune version to hit Youtube very soon! Watch this space 'B*tches'!)