Telkom Business Online - spot both oxymorons

This experience has made me wonder if the words 'Telkom', 'Business' and 'Online' can realistically be juxtaposed in any order.

Now, I like to believe that every trial in life teaches us something, but this debacle has left me with more questions than answers. Anybody care to share an opinion?

How does Telkom Business justify its current advertising campaign when it clearly can't deliver on its promises?

• The campaign promises broadband support to businesses of all sizes.
  
• Telkom's recorded call centre messages over the last few weeks warn of slow response times due to high call volumes. It estimates waiting times of 10-15 minutes (which can realistically turn into 20).
  
• Telkom stores: I have seen have queues to the door - another unappealing and unhelpful contact point.
  
• Need I point out the obvious here? Three weeks offline is neither very businesslike nor, well, online. We are not feeling the love.
  
• The futility really hit home when the most recent contact with the call centre started with a 20 minute wait, followed by the usual arduous list of questions and completed with the surreal statement along the lines of "I can't really tell you what's happening. We're offline"!!!

Surely a business service provider should demonstrate sound business values and understanding of business imperatives as entry level credentials?

• Many of the Telkom Business call centre staff we've dealt with over these three long weeks have given deadpan responses, apparently unmoved by the length of the downtime. There is clearly no grasp of the severity of the impact in terms of operating efficiencies or productivity.
  
• My most incredulous moment, which I will no doubt laugh over in about 10 years, when I calm down: The response of the Telkom Business staffer to the question of when we could expect our connection to resume - "Anytime from now..." Anytime from now? Anytime from now?? Which end of the deadline spectrum do we expect to be finite here? I have filed this line to be used on my own clients one day when I would like to kill my business instantly.

Should a marketing division not be expected to stress-test the actual operational capabilities of its organisation before blindly developing and executing groundless marketing strategies?

• Marketers who deliver baseless messages stand to lose professional credibility, both for themselves and their organisations.
  
• Best practice dictates the need for marketers who question, rather than simply accept, organisational dogma at face value.
  
• If you can't get an SME back online for almost a month and you can't even keep an active connection going for your own organisation, you really can't suggest in your advertising that you are SA's answer to broadband.

I have many other questions, but not the kind anyone else is likely to be able to help me with:

• How was I supposed to meet my 14 deadlines on a particular day with a collapsed infrastructure?
  
• How was I supposed to explain 'no connection' to international clients, in particular? Many of whom consider this as so implausible as to be in the same category as the dog eating my homework.
  
• How was I supposed to avoid the early onset of stress ulcers without resorting to tranquilisers or alcohol mid-morning?

And finally, any recommendations for an Internet service provider that would be better for my business and my health? Telkom need not apply.

PS Telkom Business has just quantified its grasp of the severity of this service failure by committing to an insulting R196 rebate in compensation for the 25-day downtime. So the value it places on a business being without ADSL for a day is R7.84. At least now I understand why it wasn't in a rush.

Updated at 12.16pm on 14 November 2011.
Updated at 12.52m on 14 November 2011.