2014 marketing and media predictions (formal launch of 2013/14 silly season)

Basically next year will go past very fast.

There will definitely be a general election in April. Maybe May.

In an effort to get the ANC re-elected, President Zuma will, in March, announce that within six months, 98% of South Africans would have a formal home with running water, sewage, electricity and a satellite dish. He will add that unemployment will have been reduced to only 0,34% of the entire population by July.

Some 61,4% of the population of South Africa will believe him.

By mid-February, chocolate Easter eggs will be on sale and by late May the first Christmas decorations will go up in George and Steytlerville. In June the CNA will start promoting 2013 back-to-school bargains. Dyslexic school kids will try and buy jotters and rulers from the ANC. The ANC will deny having any rulers.

By Easter this year many people will already be saying "Happy Christmas" or, if you are an American "Happy Holidays" or, if you are in the UK: "Happy-don't-mention-the-C-word-we-don't-want-to-upset-the-fu#%ing-minorities..."

Rumours, rumours...

Rumours will start doing the rounds in May about the launch of IPhones 8, 9 and 10. By the middle of June, Apple will hold a press conference announcing iPhone 8a followed by monthly launches of iPhones 8b, 8c and 8d recurring.

In August the SABC board will announce that it has made a huge profit and that the number of people paying TV licences had risen from 21% to 98%; that the corporation had made profit of R28bn and would be able to reduce advertising tariffs by 67%. In September the SABC board will wake up and find that their coffee was cold and their muffins stale.

The big news for marketers and the media in May will be the announcement by government that it had finally decided to ban all alcohol advertising and because no-one seemed to worry too much, government goes on a roll and by the end of July will have completely banned advertising of fast foods, soft drinks, dairy products, all food products containing chemicals, additives or anything that wasn't fresh 24 hours ago. Advertising of cellular telephones and computer equipment would also be banned in an effort to get children back to playing outside.

We are marching to...

In November, millions of furious South Africans will march on Parliament to protest about the fact that there was no longer any sport or movies available on television and that their local newspapers had shut down because there was no advertising money to pay for it all.

The SABC has announced that as a result of 92% of its advertising revenue having been lost through advertising bans it could not longer afford to sustain a news department, sports department and would only be able to re-run TV programmes such as "Lewer Onder die See" and "Liewe Heksie."

South Africa's few remaining radio stations will be reduced to broadcasting repeats of "Caltex Kaskenades" and archive material of John Berks impersonating people.

Social media will continue to grow in leaps and bounds during 2014 - mostly leaps.

A strong smell of the farmyard

By July, Twitter would have added several extra functions, one being an auto-response to people seeking free advice. Any tweet carrying the key word "advice" will be politely responded to with: "I don't actually give advice anymore - but may I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

By August, it will be possible for followers of Twitter, Facebook and four trillion other social media sites to actually find out all sorts of things long before the media get there and in many cases long before whatever happens actually happens.

YouTube will carry video footage of Arab dictators being deposed even before they get into power and Hollywood celebrities having erotic flings with other Hollywood celebrities days before anything gets flung.

Global internet speeds will reach average download speeds of 10 terabytes per second except in South Africa where the average speed will remain at 3Kb per second and where businesses will resort to hiring unemployed street children to deliver their messages on forked sticks.

Basically 2014 will be the same old same old.

Politicians will bullshit. Business will bullshit. The Loerie Awards will celebrate business bullshit and the most traded commodity on earth will be....yes, bullshit.