An express train to La La Land

In the background, an out of focus TV was showing Olympic highlights, the screen surrounded by drop-ins, pull-backs, crawling messages, proudly 'sponsoreds' and a host of other messages. The action was reduced to the top, right, upper quarter of the screen. It is no secret that creative minds have tried to turn everything into a medium to carry advertising in the hope of making a buck.

So I wondered what this breakthrough could be, as I ordered my Windhoek Lager.

"Shilowa!" he shouted it out, as though it was a new war cry, worthy of taking the place of "shosholoza", "Vrystaat" and the like. "The train, the express..." he explained, when he saw my puzzled frown.

Earlier he had met an engineer who had shared the secret. The proposed 'Gautrain' fast train had many detractors, especially amongst the wealthy residents of the leafy suburbs through which the train would roar, every 10 minutes. To meet these objectors half way, it has been agreed to line the entire length of the track with sound absorbing panels.

Not only would this system maintain the peace and quiet of those living close by, but it would also provide a "medium" for those on the train. The panels would be positioned in such a way that the commuters would be exposed to a series of panels. The angle and distance between these panels would be such that it would be like watching a movie as the train sped past. Where the train moved quickly they would be far apart, and close together on approaching (or leaving) the stations. Sound tracks, co-ordinated to the visual images and piped through the train's intercom system, would complete the offer.

The mathematics had all been worked out and the system declared feasible.

Sam's niece and a few friends have formed a company that will have sole rights to sell the medium and initial estimates are to pitch the cost at the same rates as SABC TV 3 prime time. They will also have the exclusive rights to convert TV and cinema commercials into the 'Shilowa express' format. The revenues achieved would pay for the track and rolling stock in 10 years. Local and provincial government advertising spend would form the backbone of the expected advertising revenues.

And, the whole idea has been patented. Discussions are under way to provide this breakthrough to the "chunnel express", the Japanese Bullet and other high speed rail systems. Export incentives have already been negotiated and agreed to. A government sponsored team including representatives from the departments of communications, transport, public health, trade and industry, environment, COSATU, communications consultants and others are currently in France to seek common modalities, intents and structures, for the future of the Shilowa system between Paris and Marseilles.

"A fairy tale?" I thought as I left the bar. Surely, this is hare-brained and crazy. But, on reflection, I decided that it was no more so than so many other official, well-intentioned and failed "initiatives". Just like the very idea that the 'Shilowa express' will give some relief to the impossible traffic congestion on the N1.

Perhaps Sam will need to ask Manto to ban all motor traffic (on health grounds) and thus force everyone onto the 'Shilowa' instead. She has an unblemished track record in getting crazy things done, after all.

In the almost empty bar, the TV set was showing slow motion replays of pistol shooting. No one was watching.