|8 out-of-office funnies!
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances
are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you but, I am at the doctor having my brain removed, so that may be
promoted to management.
Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged R10 for the first ten words and R5
for each additional word in your message.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to
me as "Loretta" instead of "Steve".|
|A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me the Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The maid, we'll consider the working class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the future.
Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the maid's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the maid.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep $#&@!”|
|A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop”.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways”
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
|There are three types of statisticians: those who can count and those who can't.|
|THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003
1.. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
2.. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3.. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4.. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5.. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6.. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7.. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8.. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9.. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10.. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11.. War Dims Hope for Peace
12.. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
13.. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
14.. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
15.. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
16.. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
17.. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
18.. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
19.. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
20.. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
21.. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
22. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead|
|UNSPOKEN GRAPHIC DESIGN RULES
1. Your fonts will default to the worst possible font available on the
machine you are showing your work on.
2. The less time you have the more useless your computer will become
3. If you have two versions of a photo, the wrong one will make its way to
4. Promises made by the sales staff have no basis in reality.
5. The sales staff will promise anything.
6. If the text consists of two words, one will be misspelled.
7. Speed.Quality. Affordability. Pick two.
8. If the run is wrong, it's never the press operator's fault.
9. Spell checkers don't.
10. Grammar checkers don't, either.
11. Proof raeders are useless.
12. Global search-and-replaces aren't.
13. The index entry you leave out will be the first one the client looks under.
14. Optical Character Recognition(OCR)is good comedy.
15. If three designs are shown to a client, your least favorite will be chosenor any combination of worst components of each.
16. If two designs are shown, a third will be requested. If provided, then one of the first two will be chosen.
17. If you ask for more copy it will be sent as a Jpeg. If you ask for images they will send powerpoint presentations.
18. Clients don't have their company logo in a usable print ready format so don't bother asking.
19. Blue line proofs reveal previously invisible errors.
20. The best designs never survive contact with the client.
21. You will misspell the name of the client's spouse.
22. Your best idea is already copyrighted.
23. The best way to find errors in your code is to show a client "a new feature"
24. There is no stock photo ever made that matches the image you have in your head
25. Creative inspiration flows in inverse proportion to the distance from the studio.
26. Time allowed to complete work is inversely proportional to time taken by client to work out what to complain about
27. Doctors, astronauts, and plumbers need training to do their jobs, but anyone with a computer is a graphic designer
28. No matter how detailed the tech support FAQ is, nobody has ever heard of your problem
29. The number of colours in a client's design will equal the number of colours in the original bid specs, plus two
30. The client's disk won't run on your equipment & when it does will contain unusable copyrighted images
31. If you purchase new equipment to read your client's disk, it will be the last disk of that type you will ever receive
32. Your client will often not like your design but not quite know why.
33. Computer crashes always happen exactly 30 seconds before saving.
34. A client who knows exactly what he wants is worse than one that has no idea.
35. Clients who do not provide content upfront will complain about the use of Latin Copy
36. Everything has to be done immediately, deadlines are incredibly important unless client has to provide materials or approve your work
37. The customer is always right . & an idiot.
There are at least 5 things you could think to add to this list if only you had more time.|
|Q: How many sub-editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: We can't tell whether you mean "insert a new lightbulb" or "have sexual relations inside a lightbulb". Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many proof readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The last time this was asked it involved Art Directors. Is the difference intentional? It seems inconsistent.
Q: How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why do we have to change it?
Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It was supposed to be in place last week!
Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make it neon, is it?
Q: How many advertising directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We're not sure because the client might change it tomorrow. Cut some editorial anyway.
Q: How many sales directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! It's one of those lightbulb jokes, right?|
|You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
~ Dorothy Parker ~|
|USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
~ David Letterman (1947 - )|
|I Am An Event Coordinator
I have unlimited resources at my disposal.
I always keep at least ten meeting rooms under my desk, as it is
policy here to automatically make reservations for your board of directors
when you sign the contract.
I can make any of my meeting rooms larger or smaller, depending on
your needs. I will naturally remove my supporting pillars from your meeting
space and will install windows in every room as needed. The 'Ocean
View' is not scheduled to arrive until the second day of your program, for
which I sincerly appologise; however, we will move the convention center two feet to the left to accommodate your request by the end of your
I can only throw myself on your mercy and grovel at your feet; I
completely agree that it is inconceivable that we should have any
other groups booked into our facility during your program. Your additional
breakout rooms that you added this morning should be built no later
Naturally, it will be no problem to turn your plenary session for
600-schoolroom setup into a hollow square for 150 with rear screen
projection, simultaneous Japanese translation and satellite hook-up
during your 15 minute coffee break. Unfortunately, however, due to space constraints, and the fact that your final program bears no resemblance
whatsoever to your contracted space, we will have to suspend your
lunch buffet from the ceiling above your plenary session, then suck the
gravity out of the ballroom.
We have located the boxes that you sent last month under your mother's
maiden name to the hotel down the street, and again, we apologize for
not having found them sooner.
In answer to all your questions, it is, of course, understood that I
am telepathically aware of all your sepakers needs and will setup an
overhead, LCD panel, dual slide projectors, two screens, laser
pointer, podium microphones, two table-top microphones, podium knock-out switch, timer and blue M&M's in each room, at no extra charge, just in case they are needed. Additinally, it goes without saying that an A/V
technician, engineer, baby-sitter and I will be underneath your head table for the duration of your event, in case you need anything else.
Finally two more things that you might want to share with your group:
(1) The ladies room is the one with the "ladies" on the sign. The mens
room is the..... well, you get the point. (2) We will automatically adjust the
room temperature every 15 minutes, so please don't bother asking. In
addition, at this time, please accept my heartfelt thanks for choosing
It has been great to work with you, and I can't wait to see you
again..... in HELL !!!|
|TV Newsreader: "Hundreds are feared missing or dead in India following landslides and floods caused by torrential rains."
Couch potato: "Serves 'em right. What do they wanna go around following landslides and floods for anyway...??!"|
|How do you kill an extra?
Throw a sandwich in the road.|
|New and improved? If something is new, it couldn't have been improved. If something is improved, it can't be new. ???|
|Ad on some billboard somewhere: "If you feel like the bottom's fallen out of your world, digest Brand X laxative - It will make the world fall out of your bottom."|
|This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, ! but half the crew did too!|
|Printers know how to 'do it' between the sheets.|
|Research findings from an English University:
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.|
|New warning labels for liquor, wine and beer containers:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what in the world happened to your bra and panties.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.|
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends' approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.|
|Consider this baffling question:
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?|
|"Now with improved taste" this appears in many products including dog food. The question is, "Who tastes this dog food?" ~Submitted by Dura (PE Tech)~|
|Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ~Fletcher Knebel~|
|Comebacks for telemarketers who bother you at home at inopportune times:
- Tell them you're under house arrest and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
- After they have introduced themselves cry out in surprise and ask them how they have been. This will set them back a few moments while they try to figure out where you know each other from.
- Ask them to speak very slowly as you are busy writing down every word they say.
- Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment but if they'll leave you their home phone number you'll call them back.|
|Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.|
|How many photographers does it take to change a light bulb?
50. One to change the bulb, and forty-nine to say, 'I could have done that!'|
|I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes . . . ~ Philip Dusenberry, quoted in Eric Clark, The Want Makers: Inside the World of Advertising, 1988.|
|The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments. ~ Mad Magazine|
|The TV business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic highway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side. ~ Hunter S. Thompson, political journalist.|
|Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit. ~Author Unknown|
|Television: chewing gum for the eyes. ~Frank Lloyd Wright