OK, we're all counting the sleeps until Christmas, we're winding down - though some Gautengers wonder if Capetonians ever wind up - and the malls are full of begging children and their parents hoping to pay it all off by next July. And there are more gifts inserts in the newspapers than news. We've got gifts to wow him and her... snazzy gadgets, expensive perfumes, hot new mobiles, toys for dad, toys for little Johnny - "no batteries included" (we mean the toys, not Johnny) - and for little Judy, dolls that do just about everything but sms their friends. And that got me thinking: What sort of gift might you give your partner that is likely to have you on rations - and I don't mean food? Like you, I've had my share of junk, and probably dished it out as well, but I figured I needed another perspective and went to http://www.somethingawful.com. So... What about a torch and tyre gauge - so you can check your tyres at three in the morning, or a folding box that is too small to hold anything, and becomes a useless piece of plastic when folded. There's more... A travel chess set, labelled "Clearance", opened and resealed with staples - and no chess pieces. Back to me again... A demented aunt once sent me a wind-up toy car with a long tube and rubber ball attached. This thing would go straight, until you squeezed the ball. That pushed a single wheel, at an angle, out of the car's underside, and the thing would jerk to the left, and again and again - like some of our Fish Hoek blue-rinse drivers negotiating one of our 492 traffic circles in first gear. I was 12... I may have been a late developer, but for Pete's sake! A wind-up tin car? Back to that website again, I don't think one can top some skinflint giving his son-in-law a (free) government book he got at work on, wait for it... the history of nuclear-waste handling. But a 9V battery (wrapped) comes close. My advice when you buy gifts this year: Make it count, make it good, don't spend more than you have to, keep your debt down - and if anyone sends me a CD of Boney M's The 20 Greatest Christmas Songs, so help me, there WILL be consequences! I will track you down.

Rod Baker, guest columnist All retail news to: retailnews@bizcommunity.com Responses to this column welcomed in our new online editor's column archive.